So, tonight's budget night. Thankfully my dearest friend is an accountant & has volunteered to help us & is willing to face the dragon that is my partner. He's quite sure we're going to "gang up" on him, make it all his fault & take away his allowance. At least he gets an allowance! He should try being Mom sometime & put everyone else first. He gets his $40, plus usually talks me in extra beer money, and I can find money for him to go out after work with his buds (& he usually jams out & just comes home-& I DON'T get the $$$ back!) OK I'm done....


Money, yikes! I hate talking about it, thinking about it, worrying about it. Its just a tool to get me from A to B. I want to have more than enough, but don't care much about amassing a huge bank account. Does that sound counter-intuitive? I want my bills paid, a cushion for emergencies & the freedom to buy the things I want when I want them. That's all. That's a lot, really.

My mother can't figure out why I have so much trouble managing my money-which kinda surprises me still. We didn't want for anything as kids, near as I could tell we were as well off as our neighbours-even richer maybe (this is a child's perspective) But we never talked about money. I don't know what my parents' income was, don't know how they decided what we could afford or if they worried about paying all the bills. I'm glad they sheilded me from this, but a few lessons in my teens may have been quite beneficial. All the talk about interest rates in math class was more than meaningless-Math was a class I had to endure & pass to graduate, that was all. It didn't appear to have any ground in my life. (Of course I was convinced that I'd be rich enough to pay secretaries & accountants to take care of the details)

I had NO idea money was such a personal & emotional issue. Until now.

I haven't changed much, but I have learned the value of a dollar. Sadly be the end of my first marriage shopping had become my drug of choice. Its almost as hard to kick as an addiction to food, since we need to buy stuff. When I panic about my finances now I reduce my spending to the absolute necessities, but I impose that on my partner as well, in a parental, not gentle way. Its tough finding a balance, but I'm trying.

What exactly is the deal with some men? I mean, he's grouching around from the minute I got up this morning (almost acting like he was battling a craving of some sort) then he has the NERVE to ask ME what's wrong! Honestly, I was just staying out of his way, biting my tongue, 'cause when he's like this asking him to stop muttering, cursing or slamming the game controller that's not working in that moment is just asking for a fight. Some days I just can't do anything right-he's tidying up (wait-those of you who wish YOUR guy would clean up) making me feel like I've done an inadequate job (& he doesn't do anything actually HELPFUL like put the dishes away or clean the bathtub-its all pushing in dining room chairs & stashing stuff in drawers-never to been seen again (or at least not when you need it!))

He's arguing with our preschooler about tv shows & acting like a child (which she is, incidentally) I don't get. He's upset because there's nothing going on today, but if I suggested we go have coffe with friends, or really cleaned the garage (istead of restacking the mishmash of boxes in the corner) that would be a hassle.

Its OK if HE wants to lay around napping & watching TV, but if I want to stay in, catch up on the endless laundry, do a little reading, just veg, its a huge deal!

Maybe it is me-maybe I should always have a plan for my day, maybe I should accept that I have different housekeeping priorities (I LIVE in my house-its not a museum), maybe I am too critical, expect a certain level of decorum-it he can be nice out in public, why can't he be nice at home? Maybe I should be flattered that he doesn't wear his public persona at home...Not everyone can be the same everywhere....I try to be. This is me-I don't play games- I try to always treat people with respect & understanding, give them the benefit of doubt...I'm no doormat-I'm even fairly rebellious-try to push me or tell me what to do & I'm likely to push back, do the opposite!

He's not mean or violent, just angry at the world, a hurt & broken spirited little boy who was never loved enough or taught better. Really, he acts like an angry, rebellious teenager. And I'm not his mother. Oh well.

Thanks for listening to me rant-I feel much better now.

Regrets

I have to admit I've had a lot of people come & go out of my life & I don't easily let someone I've called a friend just leave. I fight tooth & nail to keep my friends as friends. Some have sadly been relegated to aquaintance status, some are "on the shelf" pending further interaction or inaction. I've even managed to gain a friendly relationship with my ex-husband & his wife (the friend he cheated on me with!) so I can't be that big a bitch...and yet I've had to go to verbal war with a former co-worker/friend because I took her to task on her negative FaceBook commentary & finally removed her from my friend list!
(Note to self: Next job, don't take it all so personally) I spent as many hours at work & with my co-workers as I did at home with my family (probably more) & so I did take getting fired personally & I did want to shift some of the blame off of my shoulders (who wouldn't) I defended her, for a while, then it seemed to become apparent that, to some degree I was set up.
Did she really think it was OK to take endless sick days, leave me scrambling to do both our jobs & then make sure I shouldered all of the blame for the errors that occurred in her absence? I'm only human & I have a life outside of work.

Maybe, OK, it was, mean & un-Christlike to point out to her the parade of co-workers she's had, that she complained a lot, that maybe she's unhappy & not at peace within herself, but it had to be said...she accused me of bitching & bitterness, when I was trying to move away from the things that were reminding me of the hurt. I promise, I promise, I will NOT respond to any subsequent responses. I've throughly said my piece on this matter.
If God is willing & I have found an open door, I have an exciting career opportunity. If nothing else, I have lots of friends, a wonderful family, and know the untouchable joy of the Lord. I am at peace & I am content with my life. My desire for more is not a sign of discontent, rather it is proof that I have faith that my Father wants so much more for me.

It's interesting how much time one can waste searching the internet for recipes....I thought I 'd make turkey tetrazzini for my daughter's birthday supper on Wednesday & use up the leftover turkey in a different wa than our family's usual (delicious & popular) version of a pot pie. I like to play in the kitchen & try new things-expand our culinary horizons.
I know, tetrazzini's not exactly adventurous or unique, but it fits the bill in this case. E loves pasta, & I can make it & put it in the oven before I make the 30 minute drive to get the boys (can't wait till CJ can drive! 7 months, exactly)
Anyway-add a nice salad & there's dinner-family friendly, nothing last minute, so I can kick back & enjoy a nice glass of wine.

Thanksgiving Monday

So here goes, my first attempt at a blog. I guess it remains to be seen if I have anything interesting or of value to say, but I figured this would help me start writing again. Its been a long time-and now every other person I meet has some nebulous desire to write a book. I never thought my desire to write was particularly unique, but I had no idea it was so trite!