Monday, April 20, 2009

What next?

Well, Skippy finally called-don't know if he finally read that email with an open mind, & I don't care. I spoke my piece, it was as much for my benefit as for his.

He, of course, offered up his excuses, as though I might soften my stance if I had pity enough. In the beginning it sounded like flattery, of a sort. How cooking and laundry and the like were inconveniences to him because he's had someone (that would be me) to do these things for him for the past 10 years. But he repeated the cooking & laundry, added having to walk or bike everywhere, showering & eating to the list. My response was to comment that he sounded depressed & he might want to get some help. (Yeah, I know, meddling again, rescuing someone I shouldn't) As much as I don't want to be responsible for his upkeep anymore, neither do I want feel like his downfall is my responsibility. That's one of the reasons I put up with his nonsense for as long as I did. I didn't want his crash on my conscience)

So. He hesitated, then said he was not depressed, he had (insert dramatic pause, with fretting about my laughter, here) bipolar. I doubt he's got an official, medical diagnosis, but bipolar disorder makes sense, explains an awful lot of the past 10 years. He whinged about having another lable on his head, but that's his burden. 99% of his lables are of his own devising. Really, I feel for him, but getting help is his to do.

I let him fuss at me a bit about how much EI is paying him & what commitments he has for those funds. I accepted his explanations about the source of his expensive toys (he claims it was in partial payment to a friend who owed him money-I'd like to know where the money came from in the first place, but can't hear another convoluted, contradictory tale of woe) I don't much care. I told him I had no desire to fight, didn't want to gouge him, just asked him to be fair & gave him a number I thought was reasonable until he goes back to work. If he goes back to work. I don't think he liked me pointing out that he had job-all he has to do is make a decision, but its the truth. I'm finding job-hunting more than a little frustrating, so I don't much appreciate whinging from someone who is chosing to sit on his hands.

In the midst of our conversation about his current mental state, & I don't quite recall how it came up, he accused me of being "cold & shallow". Not a new accusation to be sure (& I don't think we use shallow the same way-as in lacking depth) I do know that my shyness & natural reticience have caused people to misread me as cold & aloof, until they get to know me. I choose my friends with caution and I care deeply about those I choose to love. In an earlier post I believe I discussed how difficult I find it to let people go. Yes, I keep my cool, keep my emotions in check. If I need to freak out or fall apart I do it in private. I don't have the luxury of giving sway to my every emotional whim or reacting overtly to every provocation. Who has the time, or the energy? I do let things roll off my back. He used to ask why I didn't flip out about this thing, or that, & generally my response was that one of us needed to keep both feet on the ground. Maybe if I'd ever had an emotionally strong or stable partner I might have been more emotional. Maybe not. I've always been pretty private & careful about my emotions. That's what my journal is for.

Friday, April 17, 2009


So, here we are again. You know they weren't kidding when they said breaking up is hard to do. Its been 3 1/2 months since my split with Skippy, and until a few days ago we were getting along OK. Then I decided the familiarity was too weird & I needed some boundaries.
Let me backtrack a little. A couple of weeks ago Skippy called me late on evening, beside himself, almost in tears, saying he was in crisis & didn't know who he could trust or talk to. I took pity (OK there was no small amount of voyeristic curiosity involved) As it happened he confessed to having "hooked up" with some girl he met in treatment. He claims to have told her he was not looking for a committed relationship, but was willing to be a "screw-buddy" (his expression, no doubt used out of respect for my dislike of the f-word-now he shows that consideration!) Anyway, these kind of relationships are frowned on in 12 step programs, so the two of them repeatedly denied any kind of relationship beyond friendship. That is until Skippy succumbed to his guilt and confessed all to a mutual friend of theirs, who proceded to tell her & another friend about his confession. She was furious & let him know, largely through angry text messages during a meeting. Now he was feeling betrayed & abandoned. His continued confession included the revelation that she had talked him into purchasing a silicon "pocket pussy" for the convenient relief of those pesky sexual urges. (Now we're WAY into too much information territory).

Now, this is the same girl who talked him into a frenzy that caused him to call me & freak out about getting visitation etc down on paper. He flipped out, so I hung up. He reverted to type & apologized within an hour.

Any way....against my better judgement I offered him some advice about honesty & transparency. Told him most women, despite what we say, don't have sex without expecting more, warned him to choose his confidentes with more caution. That was that, except for the ick factor image of his description of his silicon toy's virgin use. (that's all I'll say. Suffice to say he never did understand restraint or that sometimes less is more)

Fast forward about a week. He's back to calling almost daily, just to chat & he seems confused by the fact that I'm being reticent, even vague & disinterested. He's looking for advice-do I pay my credit card or buy a $500 car? Maye I should get my passport & go to New York, Austrailia...I came right out & said I really didn't care. Finally he calls complaining about the extra money the interest on said credit card cost him (which I take as an obvious hint that once again there's no support money for me) and that he doesn't feel well, having eaten 3 meals the day before instead of his usual daily 1 (which he mentions is often a burger). Later that day he calls just to see what I'm doing & suggests again I could meet him for coffee (despite my repeated polite refusals in the past) After that I ignore his calls, until finally he uses a friend's cell so I won't recognize the number.

Next morning I choose to write a carefully worded email, outlining my new boundaries. All he read was "don't call me" & "we're THROUGH" when what I expostulated was to only call with purpose-arranging a visit, getting mail, sending me money (which I was clear that I do expect) not to chat or complain about how hard he's got it. I said I would not have coffee with him just for kicks, especially with our daughter in tow so no one (ie EM) get the wrong idea, since we were not friends, just friendly. *sigh*
Oh well, one hurdle down. We'll see how long this stalemate lasts. I don't want to fight, but I need to protect myself & my daughter. Until next time