Ok, ok, maybe I'm the one who doesn't get it-I can admit that. I have tried to maintain a friend-like association with my second ex (the first one does seem to get that we are friendly, not best buds) but while he says he understands this & all the other things I was trying to say before our split, he shows little evidence of it.
Let me explain. We split up because I could no longer deal with his volatile emotions, the way he seemed to have mostly "checked out" of our life. I was constantly frustrated by his unrealistic expectations of others and what seemed to me to be a lack of understanding of why I hold honesty & integrity in such high esteem. (Yes, there were lots of other things going on, nothing in relationships is that simple).
Following our split he admitted he had returned to his previous addiction, albeit in the form of a more "legal" substance, checked himself in to detox & then rehab. I applauded his efforts, same as I would for anyone willing to face their demons. I went so far as to encourage him to not play games, be utterly transparent & really seek the help he needs. And it appeared he was & did.
And now? Its only been 3 months (today, actually) but I run into friends who tell me he doesn't return their calls (still...this was one habit that really bugged me) or seems to barely have time to talk. If I question him on this he's got the same excuses.
One of his friends (OK, probably more of an aquaintence by my standard) dropped by last night to see him & seemed genuinely surprised to learn we weren't together anymore. He said he'd seen "Skippy" earlier at the mall, spoken to him briefly & said he'd drop in later. Why not just tell this guy his new address & phone number? Why pretend all was the same? Why did this friend tell me Skippy says he'd quit his job (news to me, I thought he was on leave)? He has no reason to disemble to me. This morning when Skippy called me I asked if "Adam" had called him. He said he had, went on to say that he'd told Adam we'd called it quits but were still friends, he hoped. So who's lying? and why?
To add to this complicated mess, Skippy actually started to ask (then thought better of it) if I'd be willing to drive into the city, pick him up & bring him back here for church. He hinted at it a bit early in the conversation, but I wasn't about to bite. There are plenty of churches in the city...and sure there are people he knew before in them, but why not just face them all with dignity & self-respect? Stuff happens to the best of us, we are all sinners, we've all failed at one thing or another. If he thinks I'm not telling everyone the truth he never knew me. (Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm not bad-mouthing him, just stating the facts)
How hard is it to just tell the truth? These are not social lies ("sorry, I'm busy Tuesday", "your baby is adorable")These are fundamental mis-truths, an attempt at hiding. Face facts. We're both single again. He ignored my suggestions that something was wrong and continued willfully down the path of his addiction. His anger became unbearable, I was tired of being his protector & facilitator, he was lying to me & frightening our daughter. I'm not without blame. I never should have been vain enough to think I could fix him, save him. I thought I could love him enough, that building a life & a family with me would make him want better things. I thought he was more like me than his past. I was wrong.
Ok, I feel better now that that's off my chest. From here its "proceed with caution" and be sure I'm clear on the boundaries.