Wednesday, November 19, 2008

So, tonight's budget night. Thankfully my dearest friend is an accountant & has volunteered to help us & is willing to face the dragon that is my partner. He's quite sure we're going to "gang up" on him, make it all his fault & take away his allowance. At least he gets an allowance! He should try being Mom sometime & put everyone else first. He gets his $40, plus usually talks me in extra beer money, and I can find money for him to go out after work with his buds (& he usually jams out & just comes home-& I DON'T get the $$$ back!) OK I'm done....

Money, yikes! I hate talking about it, thinking about it, worrying about it. Its just a tool to get me from A to B. I want to have more than enough, but don't care much about amassing a huge bank account. Does that sound counter-intuitive? I want my bills paid, a cushion for emergencies & the freedom to buy the things I want when I want them. That's all. That's a lot, really.

My mother can't figure out why I have so much trouble managing my money-which kinda surprises me still. We didn't want for anything as kids, near as I could tell we were as well off as our neighbours-even richer maybe (this is a child's perspective) But we never talked about money. I don't know what my parents' income was, don't know how they decided what we could afford or if they worried about paying all the bills. I'm glad they sheilded me from this, but a few lessons in my teens may have been quite beneficial. All the talk about interest rates in math class was more than meaningless-Math was a class I had to endure & pass to graduate, that was all. It didn't appear to have any ground in my life. (Of course I was convinced that I'd be rich enough to pay secretaries & accountants to take care of the details)

I had NO idea money was such a personal & emotional issue. Until now.

I haven't changed much, but I have learned the value of a dollar. Sadly be the end of my first marriage shopping had become my drug of choice. Its almost as hard to kick as an addiction to food, since we need to buy stuff. When I panic about my finances now I reduce my spending to the absolute necessities, but I impose that on my partner as well, in a parental, not gentle way. Its tough finding a balance, but I'm trying.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

What exactly is the deal with some men? I mean, he's grouching around from the minute I got up this morning (almost acting like he was battling a craving of some sort) then he has the NERVE to ask ME what's wrong! Honestly, I was just staying out of his way, biting my tongue, 'cause when he's like this asking him to stop muttering, cursing or slamming the game controller that's not working in that moment is just asking for a fight. Some days I just can't do anything right-he's tidying up (wait-those of you who wish YOUR guy would clean up) making me feel like I've done an inadequate job (& he doesn't do anything actually HELPFUL like put the dishes away or clean the bathtub-its all pushing in dining room chairs & stashing stuff in drawers-never to been seen again (or at least not when you need it!))

He's arguing with our preschooler about tv shows & acting like a child (which she is, incidentally) I don't get. He's upset because there's nothing going on today, but if I suggested we go have coffe with friends, or really cleaned the garage (istead of restacking the mishmash of boxes in the corner) that would be a hassle.

Its OK if HE wants to lay around napping & watching TV, but if I want to stay in, catch up on the endless laundry, do a little reading, just veg, its a huge deal!

Maybe it is me-maybe I should always have a plan for my day, maybe I should accept that I have different housekeeping priorities (I LIVE in my house-its not a museum), maybe I am too critical, expect a certain level of decorum-it he can be nice out in public, why can't he be nice at home? Maybe I should be flattered that he doesn't wear his public persona at home...Not everyone can be the same everywhere....I try to be. This is me-I don't play games- I try to always treat people with respect & understanding, give them the benefit of doubt...I'm no doormat-I'm even fairly rebellious-try to push me or tell me what to do & I'm likely to push back, do the opposite!

He's not mean or violent, just angry at the world, a hurt & broken spirited little boy who was never loved enough or taught better. Really, he acts like an angry, rebellious teenager. And I'm not his mother. Oh well.

Thanks for listening to me rant-I feel much better now.