Saturday, July 18, 2009

Look how far I've come

Psalm 66:10,12 "For You, O God, have tested us; You have refined us as silver is refined. ...We went through fire and through water; but You brought us out to rich fulfillment"

In the past my entries here have largely been commentaries, complaints about a certain ex-partner (if he ever really was my partner). While he may still occasionally turn up here I am going to try to shift gears & make this a commentary on MY life, the things I am learning and growing toward.

I was sharing with a friend on Facebook the other day my first real encounter with my creator, how even when I tried to explain the experience away I somehow knew it was God speaking in the storm, and how amazing it is the times and ways that particular moment is brought to remembrance. This time it was a request to open the book nearest at hand, turn to page 56 and post the fifth line in the status bar. On top of my computer tower is an old KJV Bible, one I've had since I was a little girl, and not the one I use daily. Line 5 on page 56 is Exodus 3:14 ("And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM: and he said , Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, I AM hath sent me unto you.") I did not chose that particular book, as I said, it is not my usual study Bible, nor is it the book I am currently reading, and yet, there it was, testament to my inability to find a home for all of my books, with a reminder of the first time I heard God speak to me audibly. I was 13 and I was staying with a friend in Waterton. We were sleeping in a tent beside her parents' RV when a storm blew in (not so odd, if you are familiar with the changeable weather in the park). We dragged out sleeping bags into the motorhome & went back to sleep. I don't recall the dream, but I will never forget hearing THAT voice, echoing in thte night, "I AM I AM I AM" over & over, the depthof it resonating deep in my chest, the way thunder does.

Anyway....sharing that with her brought to mind just how far God has brought me on this journey we call life, and she suggested, not for the first time, that I should be writing. I realized that I need to shift my focus again, and look to what I've learned, let where I've walked serve as inspiration, caution, encouragement, even amusement for others. I truly believe that what we experience, whether by design, error in judgement or simple accident can be used to a purpose. God is good and faithful. Wherever I have found myself He has been there to bring me through to the other side.

Its been an interesting week -Tuesday at work we learned we were changing management companies, fire & rehired in a single breath. Except for a change of mindset & computer system, nothing's really changing, but still, it was enough to have some people reeling. Wednesday I had a delightful lunch reconnecting with old friends, but returned to an email from Skippy in which he said he was ending his life. I don't want to sound careless or cavalier, but he's done this before. I still haven't heard from him, don't know if he meant it or if it was a play for sympathy. Was I supposed to get on my white horse & ride to his rescue again? I had only just laid down new boundaries-a new phone number, insisting he only contact me via email, refusing to let him come to my house (to which I added the assurance I would deliver his remaining papers to him). We had an agreement about visitation. So. I emailed his room mate to see if he knew anything-he didn't. I called. Whoever it was who answered the phone didn't sound like she even knew who I asked for. A friend suggested I call the hospital to see if he was a paitient. I've decided to let it alone, weird as it is. The rest of the week has been quiet, just managing the aftermath of those 2 days. And here we are.

This has been rather disjointed, but its a start of a new thing, and like most new beginnings it will be rough, but it will get better, take the shape its supposed to have. Hang in there. I will.

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